Shoutout to the low-maintenance friends. The ones we don’t talk to every day, but when we do, it feels like coming home. The ones who get it: the job stress, the family pulls, the sheer mental gymnastics it takes to get through a week. The no pressure, no guilt, and no dramatic “why didn’t you reply?” messages waiting for you has sort of become the gold standard of many adult friendships.
But lately, I’ve been wondering, has the term “low-maintenance” become a polite cover for just not showing up?
What we really mean by ‘low maintenance’
There’s a difference between not needing constant attention and not offering any attention at all. It’s one thing to not talk daily. It’s another to go radio silent, flake on plans, forget birthdays, and still wear the “low-maintenance” badge like a personality trait.
We glorify ease in relationships, but sometimes ease becomes apathy. I’ve had people tell me they’re “low-maintenance,” only to realize what they meant was, “You do all the work and I’ll casually show up when it’s convenient.” That’s not laid-back. That’s one-sided.
The real low-maintenance friendships? They’re mutual. You might not talk every week, but when you do, it’s solid. There’s a baseline of presence: texts when it matters, real interest in each other’s lives, and follow-through when plans are made. No drama, but no disappearing acts either.
Neglect is not the same thing as emotional independence. If you never initiate, never check in, and never show up (even when someone’s quietly hoping you will) that’s not being chill. That’s being absent.
I’ve learned this the hard way, both as the neglected and the neglectful. I’ve told myself I was “just busy,” but deep down, I knew I was avoiding effort. And I’ve been on the receiving end too, wondering if I was the only one keeping the friendship alive.
The older we get, the more we value our time. But friendship still needs tending. It doesn’t have to be intense or all-consuming. It just has to be real.
READ: The Sunny Sides of Getting Older (Really)
When low maintenance turns into emotional ghosting
But not all low-maintenance friendships are created equal. Sometimes, what we call “chill” is actually just emotional ghosting dressed up in adulting excuses.
There’s a subtle shift that happens, almost too quietly to notice at first. A few unanswered texts here, a couple of missed catch-ups there. You tell yourself it’s fine, they’re probably just busy. You are too. Life’s a mess of deadlines. But then a month passes. Then two. And before you know it, the only thing you know about your friend is whatever filters through on social media.
When you no longer know what’s actually happening in each other’s lives—not the curated updates, but the messy stuff beneath—that’s not just space. That’s a signal. And when one person keeps initiating, while the other floats along without effort, that balance tips into something that doesn’t feel mutual anymore. It starts to sting.
Maybe you’ve even stopped expecting them to show up—emotionally or physically—because history has taught you not to. You’ve learned to adjust your hopes. To stop planning around them. To stop checking your phone for a reply.
And perhaps the most telling part: it becomes easier to share your thoughts with a stranger online than to send a message to someone who once knew all your inside jokes.
That’s not friendship evolving. That’s friendship fading.
The worst part? It rarely ends in a fight or a breakup. There’s no big falling out. Just a slow unraveling. A silence that stretches until the absence feels normal. Until reaching out starts to feel awkward, like reopening a book you forgot you were reading.
It’s not that either person is a villain. Sometimes we retreat out of survival. Sometimes we just don’t realize the cost of not showing up until it’s too late. But that doesn’t make the distance any less real.
How to be an intentional, low-maintenance friend
Not every friendship needs constant updates or calendar-level planning. But even the most relaxed ones still need effort, not grand gestures, just thoughtful presence. Intentionality doesn’t mean intensity. It means showing up in ways that say, I thought of you. That you still matter, even in the quiet seasons.
So if your social battery’s running low but your soul misses connection, here are things you can do that are easy to plan, easier to enjoy, and still leave room for a nap after:
1. The random pull-up
Send a message that says “Come over. Bring snacks.” Or invite yourself over at your friend’s place with a text “Dinner at yours with frozen pizza and a wine we both pretend to know things about.” Then spend the next few hours watching YouTube rabbit holes, flipping through magazines, or venting about life in your pambahay. No clean house or party playlist required. Bonus points if someone brings ube ice cream.
2. Silent coffee shop hangout
Pick a chill café, agree to bring headphones or books, and just co-work (or co-scroll). No pressure to talk. Just existing together in parallel peace while sipping overpriced coffee like it’s a personality trait. Works best when your energy is low but your friendship is strong.
READ: Living with Small Joys, the Filipino Way
3. Netflix party, no commentary needed
Use Netflix (or Discord screen share) to watch something simultaneously, even if you’re miles apart. Agree on a show, sync the play button, and just react with emojis. There’s no need for deep convos, just shared laughs and occasional “HUY DID YOU SEE THAT?!”
4. Errand + eat combo
Turn something mundane into a two-person mission. Need to pick up laundry, do groceries, or go to the bank? Bring a friend, do the adulting together, then reward yourselves with cheap & cheerful eats after. Or grab coffee after errands, messy bun and all. Sometimes the best convos happen somewhere between the grocery checkout and the car ride home.
5. Unplanned window shopping
No shopping list, no occasion. Just walk around a mall (this is Manila, after all), try on clothes you won’t buy, smell all the perfumes at Rustan’s, and maybe split a pretzel at Auntie Anne’s. It’s aimless fun, but together.
Be the kind of friend that shows up (quietly, kindly, consistently)
You don’t need to throw surprise parties or remember every birthday post (though great if you do). But there are softer ways to show up:
Check in when you know a milestone is approaching (job interview, parent’s birthday, baby due date, etc.)
Send them something small: a voice note, a link to a product they might like, a compliment.
Share a memory you randomly thought of. Nostalgia is a powerful connector.
Give grace and ask for it too.
Low-maintenance friendships thrive on mutual understanding, not mutual silence. They’re the kind of friends that don’t need RSVP deadlines, they just show up with fries and milk tea. We shouldn’t confuse convenience with connection. Convenience is easy. But connection,even the quiet kind, asks us to show up.
If you care about someone, let it show even in small ways. That’s not “high-maintenance.” That’s just being a friend.
